RIP

So … T passed away yesterday, by suicide.

He parked his car at a transit center, left his cell phone and keys in the car and walked off into his forever.

Since yesterday morning, everything has felt so surreal. What drove him to it? The heck if I know. From what my mom and dad said told me, he’s been in a mood for at least a month or so … there were hints, but no one caught on. All I can think is … how alone he must’ve felt, that ending it all was his only option.

And now I’m here to pick up the pieces. Why am I the one planning his funeral? Why am I the one taking care of all the loose ends? It’s such a conflicting feeling for me because I was estranged to them all. I’ve been low-to-no contact with my parents, and my sister for a long time. But when tragedy hits, I’m apparently the one everyone relies on. My sister, understandably, is in pieces. T’s parents apparently don’t even speak enough english to handle anything. My parents are somewhat in pieces. So … that only leaves me. The eldest daughter curse is so real, it’s not even funny.

I’ve been toggling between sad, and angry. Sad because he’s gone, he was such a good person. Sad because maybe if we weren’t estranged he could’ve reached out to Wzrd or I. But I’m also so angry … so angry that he took the coward’s way out. He didn’t leave behind any notes … he didn’t leave behind any reasons, no closure for anyone. He left behind a gaping hole in his family and my family. Angry, because he left a mess behind for me to clean up.

All day yesterday I tried to put myself in his mindset. I’ve had attempts … I’ve been to the abyss of loneliness. But I still couldn’t understand what drove him to it. What could be so unsolvable that he thought that that was the only way out. Was it financial troubles ? Was it a bad fight with my sister ? What was it that he had had enough off and just couldn’t deal anymore ?

I went to his parent’s house yesterday morning after I had received the news. His parents seemed to be in shock. They seemed numb to the news. He was their only child … he left them behind with nobody.

Not my monkey, but it somehow became my circus. (sigh)

I don’t know how to process any of this still.